Gundams In the Desert!
by Airurando
Summary: The war is over, and there's nothing to do! Find out what happens when Heero and Duo take a road trip together, Quatre and Wufei learn the secret of Trowa's hairstyle, and Relena is left to her own devices... with Wing Zero!
1. Road Trip

**Gundams in the Desert!**

A/N: I'm in the process of revising my old fanfics, so here is the latest and greatest version of my first full-length Gundam Wing humor fic. This story is a farce, and it explores the idea of what the Gundam pilots might do after the war between earth and the space colonies ended. To keep things interesting, the Gundams have not been destroyed; if they had been, we wouldn't have a story!

Obligatory Disclaimer: Sunrise owns Gundam Wing. And probably Yoshiyuki Tomino, who pretty much invented it. And Akemi Omode, who did artwork on the show and created the manga, "Blind Target," probably gets a slice of the franchise pie. I'm also guessing that manga artist Koichi Tokita, who drew the series manga and "Battlefield of Pacifists," rakes in some pretty decent dough as well, even though he doesn't deserve it... He can draw the heck out of mechas, but his character drawings suck! I could draw better with my left pinky toe! Which is why I've decided that _I_ should own Gundam Wing! But I don't...which was the original point of this lengthy disclaimer.

**Chapter One: Road Trip**

Quatre looked around his room and sighed. He was back on earth and bored out of his mind. Now that there was peace between earth and the colonies, he and his fellow Gundam pilots were rendered useless. He tried desperately to come up with something to do. _I know!_ He thought. _I'll call Trowa and see what he's doing; maybe he can take some time off work and come visit me..._

Trowa, who had gone back to circus life, was spending his down time between Catherine and Wufei. At his place, the phone rang, and Quatre's voice came through the line.

"Hey, Trowa, how are you?"

"Not bad," he answered, sounding nonchalant. "You?"

"I'm fine, but really bored! What have you been up to since the war ended?"

"Not much. Work, sleep, _et cetera_. Oh—and Wufei's here, too."

"Well... what are you guys doing?"

"Nothing," Trowa answered tonelessly.

Quatre almost laughed. "You sound like you're staring at the TV or something! Are you guys watching something?" he asked, aware that Trowa was not paying attention. "Hello?"

"…" Silence came over the line, and Quatre chuckled inwardly. "Earth to Trowa!" he tried again.

"…" Still nothing. Quatre lost patience. "TROWA!"

"Huh? What?"

Quatre sighed. "I asked if you were watching TV."

"No," Trowa lied, switching off the television.

"Hey!" Wufei yelled in the background. "I was watching that, you fool!"

"So," Trowa continued, ignoring Wufei's ranting. "You were saying, Quatre?"

"Well, I was gonna ask if you wanted to come visit me. Wufei is invited too, if he wants to come."

"What about Duo and Heero?"

"Sure, I'll ask them, too, if you want."

"Doesn't matter," Trowa droned. "We'll be there as soon as we pack a few things."

"Oh, you don't have to bring anything with you," Quatre interjected. "We have plenty of stuff here."

"Well," Trowa lowered his voice. "I do need to bring my hair gel." Despite his attempt to whisper, Wufei overheard him.

"HAH!" Wufei barked. "Hair gel is feminine! Women are weak, and so are you!"

"Yeah." Trowa rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

Quatre ignored Wufei's yelling. "All right, well I hope to see you soon."

"Bye." Trowa hung up the phone.

"Good," Wufei said. "Now that you've ended you're sissy conversation, we can go back to doing something more important."

Trowa turned the TV back on. "You mean the _Facts of Life_ marathon?"

"Exactly." Wufei folded his arms across his chest and leaned back. "Now this is what I call _entertainment_!"

The two stared blankly at the television for a few more hours, then jumped in their mobile suits and headed for Quatre's place in Arabia. When they arrived, Quatre had a huge barbecue waiting for his guests.

"Mmm." Trowa sniffed the air. "That smells good. Guess I'm hungry after our trip from space."

"Good," Quatre said. "Because we have a lot of food! There's steak, hamburgers, hotdogs and..."

"Unhealthy fools!" Wufei interrupted. "MEAT is for the WEAK! Vegetables are better!"

Trowa and Quatre looked at each other and shrugged.

"Um, okay, we can cook some vegetables too, you know, if you want..." Quatre started, eager to please.

"No!" Wufei shouted. "No, no, NO! You do not COOK vegetables! That strips them of their essential vitamins and nutrients! You must eat them RAW!"

"O-okay, Wufei, you'll have your raw vegetables, I promise." Quatre wished that Wufei would shut up. Seemingly satisfied, Wufei munched on celery stalks and carrots while Trowa and Quatre ate their meat.

"Hey," Trowa piped up after a while. "Where are Duo and Heero?"

"I tried to call them, but I couldn't get a hold of either of them." Quatre said.

"Oh well," Trowa grabbed another burger. "More for us." They all nodded heartily. After dinner, they agreed to watch some more _Facts of Life_.

Meanwhile, Heero and Duo were in an old Mustang modified with Gundanium alloy and missile launchers. They were driving across a hot, dusty road in the desert, somewhere between Texas and New Mexico. Apparently, they were lost, but neither wanted to admit it. After what seemed like hours of driving in circles, Heero finally grunted in frustration.

"How did you ever convince me to go on this road trip?" Heero glared at Duo. "Did you even bring a map?"

"Nah," Duo replied casually, stretching his arms over his head. "Don't need one. We're guys. We're born with an innate sense of direction."

Heero rolled his eyes, which Duo noticed.

"Hey, don't let hanging out with Relena so much make you soft, buddy."

"Like you have any room to talk," Heero said defensively. "You and Hilde act like you're practically _married_."

"So?" Duo crossed his arms over his chest and glared out the window. Frustrated with the silence, he flipped on the radio. A heavy metal tune blared through the speakers. Heero winced, then turned the station to an energetic classical song.

"Now that's what I call music," He said, actually smiling. "Beethoven was the master..."

Just then, Duo switched it back to the rock station. Annoyed, Heero went back to Beethoven. They went back and forth, back and forth, until they accidentally turned on a mushy pop love song.

_"Even the nights are better, now that we're here together,"_ the high-pitched tenor crooned over synthesizers and electric drumbeats. Heero glanced over at Duo.

"Um, so," Heero stammered. "You wanna... change it?"

"No, I don't care, it's your car, man," Duo said flippantly.

They were both quiet for a minute.

"I mean," Heero said as the song continued to play, "You really could change it. I'd be okay with that."

"Yeah, it _is_ a pretty stupid song..." Due agreed, but neither of them made a move to change the station. They looked at each other, suddenly bursting into song.

_"EVEN THE NIGHTS ARE BETTER SINCE I FOUND YOU, OHHH!"_ They sang loudly in unison, tears streaming down their cheeks. Their off-key voices rang as the Mustang flew down the road.

After the song was over, they both quieted down, embarrassed.

"So," Heero spoke first, clearing his throat. "Where are we going, anyway?"

"Oh, right," Duo answered. "To Vegas!"

Heero looked at Duo. "Vegas? It's not like we can gamble!"

"You mean _you_ can't gamble. I happen to be a pro!" Duo bragged.

Heero snorted a laugh. "I mean, it's illegal."

"Looks like I was right," Duo sneered. "That Vice Foreign Minister girlfriend of yours is making you a real softy. You're actually concerned about what is and isn't legal!"

"I don't care what you think!" Heero said heatedly. "But you'd think you'd give it a second thought—after all, you're the one dressed like a priest."

Duo stopped to think for a second. "W-well," he stammered, "that's just to throw people off!"

"Whatever," Heero muttered. "Vegas it is..."

_Back in Arabia..._

Quatre, Trowa and Wufei awoke the next day to a big breakfast prepared by Quatre's staff. Both Quatre and Trowa helped themselves to some coffee and offered some to Wufei.

Wufei looked horrified. "Coffee? That is full of caffeine!"

"Oh great," Trowa muttered. "Here he goes on his health kick again..."

"Look, Wufei," Quatre began in a tired voice. "We drink coffee to wake up, become more alert. That's what the caffeine's for."

"I don't need caffeine to wake up! That is for the _weak_!"

Quatre and Trowa looked at each other, exasperated.

"Caffeine is strong, Wufei," Trowa said, obviously annoyed.

"Strong?" Wufei questioned. "Like Nataku?"

Trowa and Quatre looked at each other and shrugged again.

"Sure," Quatre said positively, hoping to end the conversation there. "Like Nataku."

Wufei's eyes filled with tears. "Nataku... I love Nataku... Good, strong Nataku! I shall take her some coffee!" Wufei grabbed the whole pot and ran out to his Gundam, leaving Trowa and Quatre in confusion.

After breakfast, the guys began to get ready to go out. Quatre was on his way to the shower when he caught sight of Wufei staring with his mouth wide open. Quatre looked to see what was holding Wufei's fascination. There Trowa stood, smearing gel on his hair and blowing it forward with his blow dryer.

"So that's how he does it," Quatre whispered, awestruck.

"Wow," Wufei echoed. Then he snapped out of it. "But only women and weaklings spend so much time on their frivolous hair! Me, I just pull my hair back and leave it that way, like a real man."

Quatre found himself smiling. "Come to think of it, Wufei, you could stand to spend a little more time on your hair. Looks kind of greasy..."

"Greasy? No, it's shiny! You don't know what you're talking about, fool! I use _Garnier Fructis_! My hair is long and strong!"

Quatre said, laughing, "No, Wufei, Trowa's hair is strong! With all that gel he puts in it, it's probably stiff as a board!"

Wufei caught himself and started laughing with Quatre. They were both doubled over on the floor when Trowa walked in.

"What?" He asked innocently. "Did I miss something?"

Wufei and Quatre looked at Trowa, then at each other, then back at Trowa's hair. They burst out laughing again. Trowa shrugged and walked out of the room.

Later that day, the three unemployed Gundam pilots decided to check out the movies. They arrived at the theater and began to look at what was currently playing. Without asking the other two what they wanted to see, Wufei stomped up to the counter, slammed his money down, and demanded, "I want three tickets to the bloodiest, goriest, and most violently graphic movie you have!"

The lady working there looked stunned. "W-well," she stammered, "that would be _Super Samurai Suicide 3_, but you look a little young for that, kiddo. How about _The Cute and Cuddly Bears in Happy Rainbow Land_ instead?"

"Kiddo? KIDDO? I am not a kid! Kids are weak!"

"But Wufei, you used to be a kid," Quatre reminded him.

Wufei turned to him in shock. "I was weak," he said blankly. His eyes grew wider and wider. "Nooo, not Chang Wufei..."

"Excuse me," the lady's voice brought Wufei back to the present. "If you're planning on seeing this movie, I'll need to see some I.D."

"I.D.?" Wufei cried. "I don't need I.D.! I.D. is for the weak!"

Trowa sighed and stepped forward. "I'm seventeen," he offered. "I can take these guys in."

The lady smiled warmly at him. "Sure thing, hun," she said, handing Trowa the tickets. "By the way, I like your hair. It's very... innovative." The lady winked at him, and Quatre cracked up.

"Uh, thanks..." Trowa grabbed the tickets and got away as quickly as he could.

Wufei shook his head in disbelief and turned to Trowa. "How did you do that?"

Trowa shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I was just being polite or something."

Wufei fell to his knees and began bowing to Trowa in reverence. "I am not worthy of being in your presence! Oh, noble pilot of the Heavyarms, teach me to be, as you said, _polite_. You are wise and know many things. You..."

"Cut it out, Wufei." Trowa yanked him to his feet. "We're gonna miss the movie."

A reluctant Quatre followed the other two into the theater showing the gory action flick.

"Aw, you guys, couldn't we have seen that movie with Julia Roberts instead?"

Trowa sighed. "Come on, Quatre, nobody likes those old movies anymore."

"They're classics!" Quatre insisted.

"Classics are for the weak! Julia Roberts is weak! You're all weak!"

"Shut up!" Quatre and Trowa said together.

During the movie, the three pilots sat together in stark contrast. Quatre kept turning his face in disgust; Trowa sat back comfortably, his eyes glued on the screen as he ate from his bag of popcorn; Wufei sat on the edge of his seat, yelling out, "Go get him! Yeah! That's it! Knock that weakling to the floor! HAHAHA!"

"Trowa," Quatre whispered, "He's gonna get us kicked out!"

Trowa nodded and leaned over to Wufei. "Right now you're showing signs of weakness. A strong man knows how to watch a movie without yelling what he does and does not like about it."

"Really?" Wufei said. "I will abide by what you say, for you are great and wise..."

"Whatever," Trowa muttered, gazing back at the movie.

**To be continued…**

(Thanks to Air Supply for the use of the cheesy lyrics from their 1982 smash hit, "Even the Nights Are Better.")


	2. It's a Gundam! And Beef Jerky

**Chapter Two: It's a Gundam!… and Beef Jerky**

While Heero and Duo drove cross-country, Relena and Hilde were left to watch their mobile suits in Heero's top-secret hangar.

"This is a drag," Hilde said as she sat back in a chair with a magazine. "Duo and Heero can't really expect us to sit here and watch their Gundams while they're out having a good time. It's not fair!"

"I guess you're right," Relena agreed. Then she smiled saccharinely. "But it's not like we can't have some fun while they're gone..."

"What do you mean?" Hilde sat straight up, causing her magazine to flutter to the floor. "They should've taken us with them!"

Relena wrinkled her nose. "What, in Heero's dirty old Mustang? As if! Where are they going, anyway?"

"I... I don't know. I guess they never told us, did they?"

"Hmph!" Relena flipped her long blonde hair back. "If they don't feel like telling us what they're doing, we won't have to tell them what _we_ do, either."

Hilde tilted her head to look at Relena. "What are you getting at?"

Relena walked around the room, surveying Duo and Heero's mobile suits. "Have you ever wondered what it would be like to pilot one of these?" She reached her hand out to stroke Wing Zero.

Hilde gasped. "You can't be serious! Steal our boyfriends' Gundams? But… you're such a goody-goody most of the time!"

Relena smiled wickedly. "What they don't know can't hurt them... Besides, what's the harm in one tiny little test drive?"

Hilde grinned back mischievously. "You said it, Princess." The two hopped inside the Gundams and headed for outer space.

Meanwhile, Duo and Heero had been driving for hours when they decided to stop at a gas station.

"Okay, here's the deal," Heero said, turning to his travel companion. "One of us gets fuel while the other buys food."

"Simple enough," said Duo. "I get the food, you get the fuel."

"That depends," Heero glowered, "on what you plan on getting."

"Well, I was thinking a couple of bags of Doritos, a box of Twinkies, some Pop-Tarts, and lots of Mountain Dew!"

Heero grimaced. "On second thought, I think _I'll_ buy the food."

"Oh, no you don't! You'll get something weird, I guarantee it!"

Heero gave him the most innocent look he could muster. "I don't know what you're talking about. I just want something healthier."

"Fine. Tell me what you want and I'll get it for you, as long as I can still have what I want."

"Well, that also depends on how much money we have. I was thinking we should compromise on one thing and split it."

"Forget it, buddy! That ain't gonna work, so just tell me what you want already."

"Fine," Heero consented. "I want a can of V8, some beef jerky, and a couple of Power Bars."

Duo just stared at him. "Freak!" he cried. Nevertheless, they filled the gas tank, purchased their food, and were soon on their way. They still had quite a drive before they would reach Nevada, and would eventually have to stop somewhere to spend the night.

_Back in Arabia..._

Quatre was showing his friends around the marketplace. "There are all sorts of neat arts and crafts, magicians, and cool stuff to buy from merchants here!"

Trowa and Wufei, however, were not as thrilled as Quatre. Trowa was even stifling a yawn when an old, crotchety-looking man in a turban approached them.

"Would you care to have your palm read, sir?" he asked Quatre in a shaky voice.

Quatre looked at his companions and shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

The old man took Quatre's hand in his and started to look at it, then suddenly whipped out a paint brush and splattered Quatre's hand with red paint.

"There, now your palm is _red_! Get it? Would you like your palm _red_? Ha ha ha!" The old man walked away, laughing insanely.

Just then Rashid walked up to them, his eyes wide with concern. "Master Quatre, your hand! Are you all right? What happened?"

Quatre laughed. "Take it easy, Rashid. It's only paint. Oh, and you don't have to call me 'Master Quatre' all the time. Just Quatre is fine."

"Yes, Master Quatre! Now let's get you back to the house so you can clean up."

"Okay, Rashid. And I told you not to call me 'Master,' remember? I'm sixteen and you're thirty-something, so you really shouldn't be calling me that."

"Whatever you say, Master Quatre!"

"_Rashid_! I _said_ don't call me that!"

"Right, Master Quatre!"

"CUT IT OUT!" Quatre's eyes turned bloodshot, and he clenched his fists. "If you call me that one more time, I'll..."

"Wow, Quatre, I've never seen you express your emotions so strongly," Trowa commented.

"Emotions are not strong, they are weak!" yelled Wufei.

"Are you questioning what I say, Wufei?" Trowa took advantage of the small amount of "power" he seemed to have over him.

"No, mighty pilot of the Heavyarms! I shall leave you now..." With that, Wufei excused himself to go for a walk. Trowa rolled his eyes, then guided a fuming Quatre back to his house.

Wufei ended up in Quatre's backyard, where his Gundam Altron, which he affectionately called "Nataku," was hidden behind some trees.

"Oh, Nataku, I am not worthy of piloting you," he called up to the inanimate object. "You are so much stronger than I, Nataku. I am weak! Even Trowa, girly-haired pilot of the Heavyarms, is stronger than I. Oh, Nataku, I have failed you! Nataku?" Wufei looked up at his Gundam, half-expecting it to talk back. He heard nothing but silence and sighed.

"Finally, you shut up for once!"

Wufei looked around, puzzled. "Where is that voice coming from?"

"Up here, bub!" Wufei looked up to see Altron moving freely.

"Y-you're alive! You can _speak_?"

"Yes, I can speak. Surprised you didn't know that. Oh, that's right, you never bothered to listen, did you?" Altron retorted sarcastically.

"Nataku, I'm so sorry... Please forgive me; I would have listened. Why didn't you ever try to talk before?"

"Because you never let me get a word in edgewise!" Altron raised its dragon at Wufei. "Now take that, you blabbermouth!" The Gundam charged towards Wufei.

"AAAAAAAHHHHH! HELP ME!" Wufei ran about like a maniac as Altron chased him into the marketplace.

"Look, it's a Gundam," people whispered in awe, ignoring Wufei's screams and pleas for help. Trowa saw what was happening from a window in Quatre's house and ran out to get in Heavyarms. Soon he joined Altron in the square.

"Look, it's _another_ Gundam!" onlookers yelled.

"All right, Altron," he challenged. "I don't know how or why you've turned on your pilot, but you'll have to be stopped."

"Nooo!" Wufei screamed as the Trowa began to face off with Altron. "Stop these foolish games at once!"

The two Gundams fought until Trowa knocked Altron down. Altron's power seemed to die, and Trowa came out of Heavyarms. He found Wufei sitting beside Nataku, crying.

"Why, Nataku? _Why?_ I am so weak!" He threw back his head and screamed at the top of his lungs. "YEEEAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!"

Trowa glanced around, a little embarrassed. "Come on, Wufei. Don't worry about it; this won't happen again."

Wufei stopped his sniffling and got inside Altron, while Trowa went back inside Heavyarms. He guided his Gundam back to Quatre's place with Altron slowly trudging behind.


	3. My Enemy is Taco Bell!

**Chapter Three: My Enemy is… Taco Bell!**

Relena and Hilde took Wing Zero and Deathscythe Hell into outer space. So far the girls had been handling the Gundams surprisingly well; especially Hilde, who had piloted OZ mobile suits before. Most shocking was the way Relena was flying Wing Zero with ease. However, it was only a matter of time before she would go crazy, like everyone else who had ever tried to handle the Zero System.

Relena and Hilde passed out of the earth's atmosphere and looked around.

"It's so beautiful up here," Hilde breathed. "I'd almost forgotten."

"Yes, it has been a long time," Relena agreed. The two sat for a moment in reverent silence. "Okay, enough time of reflection; let's have some fun!" Relena giggled.

The two began to explore. They passed one of the colonies, and some of the people watching kept saying, "Wow! It's a Gundam! No, it's_ two_ Gundams!"

As the girls entered the colony, they caught sight of the city's different features. One thing that stuck out was a large sign for Taco Bell. This made Hilde laugh.

"Well, would you look at that? A sign for Taco Bell, way up here! Isn't that funny, Relena?"

"…" There was no answer from Zero's cockpit.

"Relena? Everything okay?"

"..." Relena started breathing hard. Slowly her eyes went out of focus. Soon, all she could see was that sign for Taco Bell. Her vision was like a kaleidoscope; there were little Taco Bells everywhere.

"Zero's telling me that my enemy is..." Relena panted. "My enemy is..." Her eyes turned red as she screamed, "MY ENEMY IS... TACO BELL!"

Wing Zero raised its buster rifle and zoomed toward Taco Bell.

"Whoa, taking a run for the border, Princess?" Hilde joked weakly. She didn't realize what was happening to Relena inside the Gundam.

Wing Zero opened fire on Taco Bell, and people in the colonies ran around screaming, "It's a Gundam! But why is the Gundam attacking? The war is supposed to be over!"

"Relena! RELENA!" Hilde screamed, lunging Deathscythe at Wing Zero. It was no use; Hilde couldn't stop the impending doom ahead.

After a few seconds of hell, Relena's target was destroyed, but the colony was obliterated in the process. The dust and debris cleared, and there stood Wing Zero, with Relena back to her old self.

"So, Hilde," she said. "What are we gonna do now? Outer space is pretty boring, once you get down to it..."

"RELENA!" Hilde's eyes looked like they were about to bulge out of her head. "You just destroyed the Zeon colony!"

Relena looked confused. "Zeon colony? What colony? I don't see anything but dust! They must be really messy..."

Hilde looked exasperated. "I can't believe it. You don't even realize what you did. You must've been possessed or something!"

Relena still looked puzzled. "Hilde… what are you talking about?"

Before Hilde could reply, another mobile suit flew up. It appeared to be an older model than Wing Zero.

"Hey, you! Nice mobile suit!" The pilot called to Relena. "I just wanted to thank you for doing my job for me."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

The pilot removed his helmet so that Relena could seehim more clearlyon her vid-screen, andcurly hair tumbled aroundhis face. "My name's Amuro Ray. My mission was to destroy Zeon, but you did it for me! Hurray! I'm free! _Woo-hoo_!" With that, he flew away.

Still in the dark about the situation, Relena began to follow Hilde back to earth.

In the mean time, Duo and Heero stopped at a hotel for the night. They made sure to find one that hadsatellite TVand were now arguing over which show to watch.

"Come on, Heero. It's been a long day. I want to unwind and watch something funny!"

"Like you need to unwind, Duo. As you recall, I was the one doing all of the driving."

"I know, and you're_ still_ not tired! You truly amaze me, Heero... Now give me that remote!"

"Not on your life!" The two wrestled over it, and Heero got it back. Duo complained loudly as Heero changed the channel from _Happy Days_ to _MacGyver_.

"What's so cool about MacGyver?" Duo griped. "He's just a guy that slaps a bunch of nails and duct tape together and saves the day! I mean, come on, how realistic is that?" (Just like a bunch of teenage boys in big robots equipped with deadly weapons flying around outer space and saving the world from war and devastation is so realistic!)

"MacGyver blows stuff up," Heero answered tonelessly, his eyes glued to the TV screen. "I like watching stuff blow up."

Duo backed off. "O-okay, I'll just let you indulge in your little psycho pleasures, then!"

Suddenly a news broadcast broke in the middle of the show. "Hey, what are they interrupting MacGyver for? It'd better be important!" Heero grunted, annoyed.

"We interrupt this program to bring you a live broadcast fromouter space," said a well-coiffed newswoman, who wasdressed ina pink spacesuit. "We are right where the Zeon colony was once located. Gundam pilot Amuro Ray received help from a mysterious mobile suit earlier this evening. The pilot of this Gundam refuses to comment, but he destroyed the entire colony single-handedly! Amuro had received a mission from White Base to destroy Zeon, but now he doesn't have to! Now that's what I call, _Mission: Accomplished_." The newswoman chuckled at her own joke. "Back to you, Chuck!"

The camera panned over to a reporter inside a spaceship. "Thank you, Bev! Hi, folks, I'm Chuck Charleston reporting for News Nightly. I'm here on the U.S.S. Teaspoon alongside the brave young pilot Amuro Ray. Amuro, you've successfully completed your mission to destroy Zeon. What do you plan to do now?"

"Frau-Bo, I hope you're out there watching, because we're going to Disney Land! _Woooo-hooo_!"

"Who is that guy, and why does he sound just like Quatre?" Duo wondered aloud.

Heero shrugged. "What does it matter? As long as he doesn't cross paths with us, there's nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right." Duo clasped his hands behind his head and continued to watch the news. Then he and Heero noticed something looming behind the U.S.S. Teaspoon.

"Zero?" Heero muttered in disbelief. "Duo, are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

"Deathscythe, old buddy!"

"We've lost 'em," Heero said with a deep sigh.

Duo clamped his hand on Heero's shoulder. "Don't worry, Heero, we'll get them back!"

"I don't like anyone touching my mobile suit," Heero glowered.

"Come on, He-man!" Duo shot to his feet. "To the Mustang!" The two leapt out of the room and raced to the car.


	4. Teacups and Sappy Endings

**Chapter Four: Teacups and Sappy Endings**

After the ordeal with Altron coming to life, Quatre consoled a despondent Wufei. In the meantime, Trowa attempted to figure out what kind of glitch Wufei's Gundam must have had. After tinkering with it for a few hours, Trowa learned that Altron had experienced a malfunction that enabled the computer to talk and attack its pilot. Wufei, however, could not be convinced; he was positive that the spirit of his late wife, Nataku, inhabited his Gundam, and that she had been waiting to lash out at him for years after her death. Exasperated, Trowa persuaded Wufei to find his inner strength. Much to his and Quatre's relief, Wufei finally snapped out of it. He happily indulged in a three-hour _Facts of Life_ marathon; then the guys decided to try to shop at the marketplace again.

As they headed to a booth boasting different kinds of decorative teacups, which avid collector Quatre was particularly excited about, an old peddler bumped into Wufei. "Oh, I'm so sorry," the old man said, bowing.

"You fool!" Wufei growled. "How weak you are to offer me an apology." The man looked shocked by Wufei's brashness.

"Wufei," Trowa cut in, "you are unwise to disrespect your elders."

Wufei's eyes widened, and he fell to his knees. "Forgive me! I shall humble myself before you. I have insulted a man who is weaker than I! I am unwise! I am WEAK! GWWWAAAAAHHHHH!"

Before anyone had a chance to say anything else, Rashid came running up to Quatre. "Master Quatre—whoops, forget I said that! I have splendid news!"

Quatre looked surprised. "Th-that's great, Rashid! What is it?"

"I have found a lamp with a genie in it!"

"They exist?"

"Yes! Anyway, I made my three wishes, and now I am a very wealthy man! I own Fiji, and a life-time supply of lime-green socks!"

"Wow, that's cool, Rashid! But wait a minute—what did you do with your third wish?"

"Well, Master Quatre, I asked the genie if I could quit."

"Of course you can quit, Rashid, but you didn't have to ask the genie that; you could've just asked me."

Rashid's jaw dropped. "You mean I wasted my third wish?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Nooooo! Darn the luck! Oh well, I'm a free man! See you, Master Quatre—oh yeah, don't have to call you that anymore! I'm going to Fiji!" With that, Rashid ran off like a madman.

The three Gundam pilots all looked at one another and shrugged.

"That was… different," Trowa remarked.

Meanwhile, Milliardo Peacecraft and Lucrezia Noin were vacationing in the Bahamas. As they relaxed in the tropical sunshine, they were startled by people's sudden shouts.

"Aaahhh! What's that in the sky?"

"It's a bird!"

"No, it's a plane!"

"Shut up, you morons; it's Superman, and everyone knows it!"

"You fools," Milliardo muttered. "It's a Gundam."

Wing Zero and Deathscythe Hell appeared and landed near Milliardo and Noin.

"Those Gundams belong to Heero and Duo. I wonder what they're doing here?" Noin mused.

"A vacation in the Bahamas for two?" Milliardo chuckled.

To their surprise, it was not Heero that emerged from the mobile suit, but Relena.

"Relena!" Milliardo scolded. "What on earth are you doing inside Wing Zero? You'll get yourself killed!"

"You have to help me, big brother! I have to get this thing fixed before Heero gets back, but I don't know the first thing about repairing Gundams!"

Milliardo sighed. "Well, Noin, it looks like our vacation is being cut short. Let's say we fix Wing Zero up and get back here as soon as possible, agreed?"

"Yeah," Noin sighed. "Agreed."

With that, they headed to Heero's secret hangar to fix up the Gundams, hoping that he and Duo would never know the difference. They completed the repairs just before Duo and Heero returned from their trip. When the two pilots arrived, Relena and Hilde greeted them as if nothing had happened.

"Hi, Heero!" Relena ran up and gave him a hug. "How was your trip?"

He shrugged her off. "Where's Zero? You were supposed to watch it! I want to know what happened."

"N-nothing, Heero! I don't know what you're talking about," Relena stammered.

Heero pushed past Relena and stalked over to his Gundam.

"Hey, Deathscythe looks good, doesn't he Hilde?" Duo inspected his Gundam proudly.

Hilde breathed a sigh of relief. "Yeah, Duo, it does."

Just then Heero emerged from Wing Zero's cockpit. "Who was in Zero, Relena? Somebody was. Even if I hadn't seen it on the news, I'd still know. I can tell."

_Just great,_ Relena thought. _I tried so hard to avoid those cameras!_

Heero walked over to Relena and said calmly, "Just tell me the truth, Relena. Were you the one who took Zero?"

Relena broke down under the pressure. "Yes, Heero, it was me!" To his chagrin, she burst into tears. "I'm the one who stole it and went for a joy ride! I'm the one who destroyed the Zeon colony! I'm so sorry! Go ahead and kill me—I deserve it!"

Heero stood for a moment in apparent shock. Then he began to shake, trying to hold in his laughter. He gave up and threw his head back, laughing like a crazed hyena.

"Huh?" Duo and Hilde stopped their stream of chatter and gaped at the hysterical Heero. Relena wrung her hands anxiously; for the life of her, she couldn't figure out why her confession struck him as funny.

"Heero? _Heero!_ What's going on? Why are you laughing? Aren't you mad at me?" Relena cried in desperation. Heero stopped laughing for a second to look at her, then started up again, clutching his stomach.

Concerned, Duo grabbed Heero by the shoulders and gave him a shake. "Yo, He-man, snap out of it!" When Heero didn't stop, Duo scratched his head in confusion. "The guy's gone bonkers!"

His eyes gleaming, Heero turned back to Relena. Speaking between chuckles, he tried to regain his composure. "Zero...heh... told me everything... you said already...hmph..."

Relena's eyes widened. "It can _do_ that?"

Heero chuckled again. "Yes. And based on the information I received, I have one thing to ask you."

Relena swallowed hard. "Yes, Heero?"

Heero's lips twitched into a smirk. "Do you want to go out for a taco?"

Relena crinkled her nose. "What for, Heero? You know I can't stand Mexican food."

That was all it took to send Heero into another fit of laughter. When Hilde realized that he was referring to Relena's Taco Bell incident, she started laughing, too. Relena looked frustrated enough to cry.

Duo flung his hands into the air in confusion. "The day these two would share a belly laugh... Man! I never saw it coming! I don't get it!" He stalked away, shaking his head.

So, our story ends with our characters in a mess of utter confusion and inside jokes... What, you don't want me to end it that way? Okay, fine; everybody went to Quatre's for a great big slumber party, where they wore feety pajamas and ate beef jerky while watching old Julia Roberts films. Still not buying it? Okay, we'll just check in with the characters, then...

**HEERO** was never the same after experiencing his first true belly laugh. He started indulging in _Saturday Night Live_ reruns and could soon do a mean Wayne's World imitation. His new goal in life is to become a syndicated talk show host.

**RELENA** found Heero to be even more of an enigma once he discovered humor. Feeling lost without the stoic boy she knew and loved, she started hanging around chic cafés, making up poetry about trees and learning to play bongos. It was there that she met **STAN**, a rising star of gothic rock music. The two have been melancholy together ever since.

**DUO** and **HILDE** decided to give the failed Vegas vacation another shot. They gambled illegally, but managed to win a billion dollars! They took their fortune and moved to Arabia so they could be Quatre's neighbors. However, they were so busy spending all of their winnings on sports cars, video games, and junk food that they forgot about their house payments. When they went broke, **QUATRE **took them in out of the kindness of his heart, and they have been paying him back by slowly driving him insane ever since… But he still collects teacups. Sad but true.

One night, **WUFEI** had a dream where he was walking down a long corridor filled with dancing teacups. One of the teacups turned into a large, robotic beast. Wufei thought the mecha was challenging him, but Trowa appeared out of nowhere and was pummeled by the teacup mecha. It was here that Trowa's human weaknesses were revealed to Wufei, so Wufei stopped worshipping the ground Trowa walked on. Instead, he denounced himself as a vegetarian and ordered a big slab of meat for breakfast as soon as he awoke.

**TROWA** returned to the circus, showcasing a new skill he picked up in Arabia—teacup juggling!

**THE END**

(Financed by the Arabian Ladies' Decorative Tea Cup Collector's Club, chapter 741)


End file.
